Emotional Self-Care
Written By Parent Self Care
Written by Kristi Yeh, LMFT
It’s easy to put yourself at the bottom of the priority list as a parent, but we cannot afford to— it’s not sustainable. Neglecting self-care makes you vulnerable to entering a cycle of becoming frustrated with your child, losing your cool, and then feeling guilty. Prioritizing self-care leads to being a calmer, healthier parent and something I think all parents can get on board with: modeling self-love and balance for your children.
Common Self-Care Barriers
If finding time to fill your own cup were easy, we would all do it. There are some common and powerful barriers that prevent many parents from investing in their own wellbeing. The most common that I hear from parents include: guilt, lack of time, unrealistic expectations, and difficulty creating new habits. Here are some concrete ideas to challenge these common barriers.
1. Guilt
The number one thing I hear from parents is that they feel guilty taking time away from their children to practice self-care, whether that’s me time, friend time, or romantic time with their significant other. In Julie Lythcott-Haims popular book, “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Raise Your Kid for Success” she shares that modern day working mothers actually spend more time with their children than mothers of the 1960s. Parenting in the 60s included more unsupervised play than our culture currently feels is safe. She notes some would say that generation was neglectful and that the current generation has overcorrected. So, the next time you feel guilty for spending time away from your children, try to remind yourself that you are spending more time than your parent’s generation with your kiddos.
Challenge Statements or Mantras
Mantras can help us rewire our brain by challenging old beliefs. Using mantras or affirmations can lower stress and increase problem-solving skills according to a research study done at Carnegie Mellon.
Some examples to help parents cope with guilt regarding spending time away from their children include:
“I deserve to take care of myself, and it also sets a positive example of self-love for my family.”
“I know I’m a more flexible, calm, and playful parent when I take time to fill my own cup.”
"I made the decision not to put my child to bed tonight because I get to have dinner with my good friend," instead of, “I feel guilty I didn’t put the kids to bed tonight.” Credit: Eve Rodsky (books listed in the resources section)
Hint: Create a personalized mantra using language you would use to speak to a friend so it means more to you.
Dialectical Thinking
Dialectical thinking means two opposing beliefs can be true at the same time. You don’t have to wait for the guilt to go away before practicing self-care.
For example, “I feel guilty about taking time away from my children to recharge, and I’m still going to do it.”
Lean on Your Support System
Share with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your struggle to prioritize self-care. Sometimes expressing your feelings out loud, or getting a reality check from a trusted person helps give you that boost to move forward with your goals.
Loving Kindness Meditation
Try this powerful Buddhist meditation featured in “The Revolutionary Art of Happiness,” by Sharon Salzberg.
Place your hand on your heart, let your eyes close partially or all the way, and repeat the following meditation.
“May I be filled with Loving Kindness
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers
May I be well in body and mind
May I be at ease and happy”
Gently wiggle your fingers and toes and slowly open your eyes to come back to the present moment.
2. Lack of Time
H.A.L.T. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? That’s a sign that you could use some self-care time. However, making time, when it feels like there is no time, for self-care isn’t easy. But, just like our kids, we need breaks too. Breaks help us stay energized and prevent burnout. Right now parenting is more intense, so treat yourself as you would a dear friend or your child and allow yourself to take breaks.
Put self-care time in your calendar like you would for a work meeting or an activity for your child
Take advantage of mornings or evenings when children are asleep
Use screen time to kick up your feet for a while
Set up recurring self-care events. For example, you might set up a weekly friend date, and once you figure out a time that works it becomes less stressful with practice
Part of self-care is asking for help, so talk to your support system (e.g. partner, family, friends, childcare providers, etc.) about what you need, create a plan, and continue to revisit as needed
If you have a partner, talk to them about their self-care needs, and negotiate something that works for both of you
3. Unrealistic Expectations
Unrealistic expectations can prevent parents from practicing self-care. When we get attached to how something is supposed to “look,” it can be easy to quit if things don’t turn out as planned...and things often don’t turn out as planned. In addition, we are conditioned to believe that things are binary, either good/right or bad/wrong. For example, if you decided to run twice a week for self-care, but you are only running once a week, it’s easy to believe that you did it wrong and then just give up. But, our wise mind knows that things don’t fit neatly into two categories. Below are two things to try if you notice unrealistic expectations getting in the way of your self-care.
The Mindfulness Quality of Non-Judging
One way to practice being more mindful instead of getting swept up in our expectations is by focusing on the mindfulness quality of being non-judgemental. Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, “The Full Catastrophe of Living,” outlines twelve mindfulness qualities. The quality of non-judging is defined by Kabat-Zinn as, “Observing the present moment without evaluation and categorization.” Once you have shifted your intention to observation instead of judgement, you may notice that you are less attached to your expectations about how self-care “should” look.
Take a Step Back and Reflect Each Month
Instead of judging yourself each day as a self-care winner or loser, take a moment to reflect each month about how you feel on the burned out scale. If overall you aren’t feeling burned out, then you are where you need to be, if you still feel fried, then it’s time to brainstorm (without judgement) what you need to stay mentally healthy—and come up with a game plan about how to make it a reality.
Overall, be gentle and kind to yourself. This isn’t a homework assignment, and there are no gold stars. We are living through a pandemic, so if you want to relax on the couch in day-old sweats and watch Netflix, do it. Draw, write, read, learn something new, or do nothing at all.
4. Change is Hard
We all have changes we want to make, but wanting to make a change often isn’t enough. BJ Fogg, Ph.D., author of “Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything,” encourages people to start small with a tiny habit that you think you can successfully incorporate into your life. According to his research, once you start feeling the positive emotional boost (shine) from completing the tiny habit, it can start to grow exponentially, and the results can be extraordinary.
When you celebrate effectively, you tap into the reward circuitry of your brain. By feeling good at the right moment, you cause your brain to recognize and encode the sequence of behaviors you just performed. In other words, you can hack your brain to create a habit by celebrating and self-reinforcing.
The way Fogg suggests activating your reward system instantaneously is through shine, a movement or phrase that boosts your mood. Examples include: humming a bit of an upbeat song, visualizing fireworks going off for you, imagining yourself nailing a basketball shot, or putting two thumbs up after you have completed one of your tiny goals.
Another unique aspect of his approach, is attaching the tiny habit to something you are already doing, so that it can more easily become part of your routine. For example, if you want to read more you could commit to reading one page in a book after you set your alarm clock, which you already do each night before bed.
One tiny habit from his book that is powerful and simple to implement is the Maui Habit. All you do is say, “It’s going to be a great day!” after you get out of bed and put your feet on the floor. Fogg named this tiny habit The Maui Method because everyone wakes up in Maui looking to have a great day! If you are interested in learning more, his book includes one hundred different ways to practice shine, and hundreds of tiny habit ideas to help parents improve brain health, sleep, mood, and more.
If you are a busy parent trying to create sustainable self-care practices, I hope you find one or two tips here that will help you reach your self-care goals. As the wise Buddha says, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Books
Self-Care 101: Self-Care Inspiration for Busy Parents by Kristi Yeh, LMFT (hardcover and eBook)
Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by BJ Fogg, Ph.D.
Find Your Unicorn Space: Reclaim Your Creative Life in a Too-Busy World by Eve Rodsky
Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky
Loving Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg
The Full Catastrophe of Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness by Dr. Kabat-Zinn
How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Raise Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Articles
How Are You Feeling? Take a Minute to HALT for Your Health by Cyndi Turner, LCSW
Affirmations: The Why, What, How, and What If? by Kathryn Lively, Ph.D.
Ted Talks
How to Raise Successful Kids--Without Over-Parenting by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Forget Big Change, Start with a Tiny Habit by BJ Fogg, Ph.D.
Journals
The Five Minute Journal (my favorite)
Find more great self-care products in one of my earlier posts.
BurnoutWriting or Journaling
Parent Self Carehttps://parentselfcare.com
