Updated 30.7.23: As July is our wedding anniversary month, we thought we’d share our best-kept secrets for thriving in marriage as a black couple.
But before we dive into the post, let’s begin by making these two really important statements:
- Your love journey as a black couple isn’t just worthy of celebration on annual events like your Wedding Anniversary, Valentine’s Day or any other calendar highlights.
- Thriving in marriage requires a daily commitment to your union, by continuously working toward the best version of you, both individually and jointly, by putting in the necessary work.
I’m bringing in some backup for this one!
Yes, I’m soliciting help from my amazing high school sweetheart-turned-husband for this post. Together, we want to let you in on our top tips for a thriving marriage as a black couple.
By the way, if you would prefer to listen to this post as a podcast, feel free to use the player below. Please note that there are two parts to the podcast version of this so make sure you tune into Part 2 below, after listening to Part 1!
Here is Part 2:
The ‘docu-series’ Black Love has been showcasing the unique experiences of black couples. It has allowed the world to see and celebrate the beauty of love and marriage within the black community. This is so wonderful to see as a black married couple ourselves.
Long may it continue!
A unique love story for a unique black couple
We are a millennial black couple with a unique love story. We were high school sweethearts and have been together ever since! As such, we hope that what we share from our 27+ years of experience will be useful for you.
If you’re married and reading this, feel free to share with your spouse or any other black married couples you know.
Maybe you’re single, looking for true love and daydreaming about it happening for you one day. If you’re losing faith in what love even looks like nowadays, please keep reading. Hopefully, we can offer you a glimmer of hope. Given the stereotypes that exist around black marriage, we hope this post will restore your sense of joy and faith in the possibility of true love. We know it exists because we are indeed a living testimony of it.
Both coming from families plagued by divorce, we didn’t have great examples of successful black marriage to emulate. So the secrets we share in this post come 100% from our lived experience in marriage so far.
May our love story inspire you to write yours
From high school sweethearts over 27 years ago, through to 17+ years of marriage and family life with three kids, our unique love story probably deserves a whole series to do it justice! Haha.
In short, it’s been a wonderful ride.
But our real hope here is that you are able to take at least one thing away from our journey and apply it to your own marriage. May it help you write your own beautiful love story.
Oh, and by the way, if you’re new around here, it’s so lovely to have you! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
So let’s get right into it!
Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links, which means I will earn a small commission if you purchase any items after clicking on the links included in this post at no extra cost to you.Read the full disclosure.
1. Trust is an essential component of a thriving marriage as a black couple
This by far is the most important ingredient for a successful marriage for any couple (in our opinion) but especially as a black couple. If you can’t trust your spouse or partner, then the party is over before it’s begun!
But what does it mean to trust in marriage?
Trust in marriage: why it matters for the black couple
For us, trust is not just about the absence of infidelity. Although, apparently, this is a real challenge for black couples. According to these data from the USA, black couples are more likely to experience cheating in relationships. 22% of those who have ever been married reported extra-marital sexual affairs. 28% of black men reported having sex with someone other than their spouse. With this information, it’s easy to understand how infidelity can be problematic in black marriages.
Furthermore, we recently read an article by Armon Perry, Professor of Social Work at the University of Louisville. In the article, Perry shared his research findings from talking to a variety of black men about their love lives.
This, and previous research showed that the typical image of black men’s love lives is often skewed in the direction of ‘hypersexual masculinity to overcompensate for their ability to fulfil the traditional breadwinner role’ suggesting that black men are more likely to ‘treat women as conquests rather than partners’, according to Perry.
My goodness!
If this is the image of black love, it’s no wonder so many young black couples have lost all hope of building a successful marriage!
Thankfully Perry’s work challenged these stereotypes. He found that black men very much value intimacy and genuine partnership in their love lives.
Having witnessed infidelity in other relationships around us, we can understand how painful and destructive this is for anyone to experience.
But for us, trust is more than this.
For us, trust is the security that your spouse is fully committed to a true partnership and you have a connection that goes much deeper than just monogamy. It’s the knowledge that your spouse’s love for you would never allow them to hurt you intentionally. They want to see you blossom as both an individual and as a valuable partner within your relationship.
For us, trust was built with time, experience and faith.
What trust looks like in our marriage
Here are some of the ways trust manifests in our marriage.
We:
- Trust that we are a team and that we will always work together toward our common goal of building our marriage up.
- Know that we have each other’s back no matter what. It’s a non-negotiable for us that we can lean into wholeheartedly. We are on this life journey together, through the ups, downs, joys and disappointments. Period.
- Can be completely honest and vulnerable with each other without fear of judgement.
- Trust each other to remain committed and faithful with our love, money and time.
- Believe in the power of our partnership, to function as a whole – united as one.
- Know that we would never intentionally harm each other.
As a black couple, this is what trust in marriage looks like for us. It’s very intentional. Trust gives us an irreplaceable sense of security in our union. Without it, building a healthy marriage would be impossible. Marriage is our safe space where just the two of us can co-exist. It’s our safe space to hold tight, lean in fully and simply love, fearlessly.
2. Communication is key to becoming a successfully married black couple
In our Caribbean culture, although we are often friendly and easy-going people, talking about our emotions and freely expressing them is not as common as you may think!
Thankfully, there were some exceptions to the rule.
But it was not uncommon in Caribbean families for the ‘big issues’ to be left alone and swept under the carpet in favour of keeping the peace.
Maybe this is changing these days now that we are moving toward more openness and acceptance as a black community. But anyone growing up in the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s knows that for the most part, you didn’t talk much about the ‘deep stuff’!
If you have kids of your own, then you’re probably familiar with the lyrics from the ever-popular Disney movie Encanto, “We don’t talk about Bruno!“. (Side note: we love a good Disney movie in this house!) If you happen to be West Indian and of a reflective nature, perhaps you’ll find that song (and others from the movie) to be strikingly insightful!
As such, we didn’t have many great examples of how to effectively communicate our feelings and have those deep conversations in the context of marriage. However, this is where being childhood sweethearts came in quite handy! As we were so young then, delayed sexual intimacy allowed us to become comfortable with talking and expressing our feelings to each other. Over the years, our conversations became deeper and deeper. Now, as a married couple, we get to enjoy those deep and intimate conversations. But it was those ‘talking’ years that allowed us to build a strong foundation of open communication in love. It’s also helped us to build a marriage that values that.
As a millennial black couple, we’ve challenged a cultural norm and committed ourselves to openness and honesty in marriage, through regular deep, intimate conversations. This has made the whole experience of marriage so much more fulfilling for us than any of the examples we had growing up.
Beyond the spoken word
We’ve also learned that effective communication in marriage goes beyond verbally spoken language. Non-verbal communication matters just as much, especially when communicating your love for each other! It’s the subtle messages sent to each other daily through touch and affection (so much power in this!). The random “I love you” text messages throughout the day, just because. The intentional act of making time to deeply connect. The simple but thoughtful gestures to make the other feel loved and appreciated also matter.
So we’ve learned to appreciate the importance of good communication in all its forms. We believe this is key to building that strong and unbreakable bond for thriving in marriage against all odds.
3. Have fun, enjoy your spouse and laugh a lot!
As the academic, studious girl in high school, it was so refreshing to be with someone who was equally intelligent and academically able, but who balanced this extremely well with sport, fun and a charmingly attractive sense of humour.
Folks, you and your spouse should bring out the best in each other.
My husband helps me to see the importance of not taking myself too seriously all the time. He’s taught me the value of infusing a (huge) pinch of fun and laughter into life!
Whether it is role play, tickles for giggles, dancing in the kitchen, the unexpected touch and squeeze, internal jokes just between us, marital banter or just watching a comedy show together for laughs, we have learned the art of just enjoying each other.
As a black couple, we believe our marriage should be a fun-filled journey for both of us. More importantly, we’ve learned that we have to co-construct a joyful experience in marriage because our happiness is homemade!
Having kids will certainly bring out your fun side too, trust us on that one!
But there’s nothing more attractive than a spouse who puts a smile on your face every day just by being their authentic self!
And nothing more knee-weakening than knowing you do exactly the same for them…
What a beautiful gift to love, laugh and live this life together!
4. Understand each other’s love language and service your marriage daily by speaking it
Every marriage is as unique as the two individuals that are partners in it. But sadly, stereotypes of marriage and expectations of others can burden many black couples.
These can make it impossible to set your own terms as a couple to allow your marriage to thrive. In fact, they can make you feel like you’re never doing enough.
Our 27+ years of togetherness taught us to block out all the noise and stay focused on writing our own beautiful love story!
Rather than focusing on the stereotypes and expectations that keep you stuck, equip your marriage with the tools you need for regular servicing.
Understanding what sets your spouse’s heart on fire is a huge advantage to thriving in marriage as a black couple.
This is sometimes referred to as your love language.
What’s your love language? If you don’t know, there is even a book all about it!
Take this fun quiz below and discover your primary love language today!
The 5 common love languages according to Dr Gary Chapman are:
- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
So with these in mind, what does your spouse do that makes your heart skip a beat (in a good way of course)? Hey, no heart attacks over love here, please!
In part, the secret here is in giving your spouse the space to be themselves and having the space to be yourself, because only when you know and love yourself can you love another person. So, find out what brings your soul alive and do more of that, absolutely!
But in part, this secret is also about service.
Marriage is both of these things
If you’ve ever owned a vehicle, you know that you must service that vehicle regularly to keep it running at its best. If you are a plant lover, then you know you have to water those plants often to keep them healthy and thriving.
Well, marriage is like both of those things.
For your marriage to grow, you need to learn how to service it regularly. Serving isn’t an act of weakness, but an act of love and a crucial ingredient for a healthy, thriving marriage.
But how can you serve if you don’t know the love language of your spouse and how can you communicate your needs to them if you don’t know your love language?
You didn’t get married to continue to walk and talk the singleton lingo. Get to know your spouse’s love language and speak that into your marriage daily to ensure it stays well serviced.
5. Unity in faith, values and purpose
Not every married couple shares a faith, we know that. No judgement here! We know it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. But if faith is your thing, then this secret is for you! As we are speaking from our own lived experience, we had to include it as a part of this list.
As believers and followers of Christ, our alignment when it comes to faith and values infiltrates our marriage life. From how we relate to each other, to our discussions about our future goals, to how we manage our money, to how we parent our children.
So if this is the case, how can we build a home effectively without unity or alignment in faith, values and purpose? How can we build a future together without aligned goals and a shared vision?
During those early ‘talking years’ as high school sweethearts, we talked a lot about our expectations for marriage. A large part of that was influenced by what we thought should make up a perfect marriage – by the book. But we quickly realised that there is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. Honey child, textbook marriage and real-life marriage are two different things!
A common purpose, a common vision
Without these core values, we would never have been in a position to overcome the challenges that would come our way.
Without faith and prayer, we would not have a shared vision and sense of purpose that grounds us as a couple.
We aren’t in any way suggesting that this joint sense of purpose should be stagnant and unchanging because, in our own experience, it does shift gradually over time with clarity and life experience. After all, your goals as teenage sweethearts aren’t the same goals as you become a family of five.
But we believe that when you are aligned in purpose as a married couple, you won’t be threatened by this but rather, appreciative of this kind of growth.
No, we are surely not suggesting that you will agree on everything. Of course, you won’t. But if the alignment comes from a place of mutual respect, you can work through your disagreements purposefully toward a place of shared understanding.
17 years of marriage later and we are still growing in love daily. We believe that God has brought us together for a specific purpose in this world and we are so grateful that by His Grace, we can live out that purpose together.
We hear so much about self-love and self-care and while we support this movement fully, let’s not get it twisted! As a married couple, we also remain committed to alignment in our home, united by a shared sense of purpose, founded upon our faith and values.
Self-love matters, but unity also matters in marriage
Absolutely, self-love matters.
You cannot love anyone else if you don’t learn to love yourself. Remember, becoming purposefully whole is the goal. But once you’ve got the self-love covered, alignment is the next beast to conquer!
Let your home, your haven, be a safe place of peace and unity by becoming one in faith and values.
Tough times will come and dust will hit the fan. But when it does, you will take comfort in knowing that you and your spouse are able to sing from the same hymn sheet. Even if one of you is singing soprano and the other alto. It’s you both against the world! Your covenant of marriage allows you to face the challenges of marriage together.
And if you happen to be of different faiths, then having a shared understanding and mutual respect for the other’s beliefs is imperative, as a bare minimum. Uphold each other equally with honour, respect and love.
Remember, you’re in this thing called marriage together so align and build it together with unity and purpose.
Conclusion
So there you have it.
Those are our 5 best-kept secrets for thriving in marriage as a black couple. Did any of these resonate with you? If you’re a black couple, what has your experience of love and/or marriage been?
There is so much more involved in marriage but we believe that if you get the foundations right, everything else will fall into place.
We hope this offers some hope and encouragement for you as you commit to growing in your love and marriage journeys of becoming!
(To my husband, Kevin: Thank you for helping me put this blog post together! You’re the absolute best and I feel so blessed to be able to share this journey with you!)
Until next time,
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